by Rik Smits  
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Dawn


The Puzzle
of
Left-handedness



Rik's occasional shorter-than-141 tokens limericks (also on twitter)
 Thursday 22 September 2016 — On Italian Health Minister Beatrice Lorenzin’s controversial fertility campaign and accusations of racism in her campaign posters.
 
Let’s celebrate fertility,
the state cautions in Italy.
But if you’re black and smoke,
you’re certain to croak
without any progeny.

 Monday 12 September 2016 — On International Trade Secretary Liam Fox scolding British entrepreneurs for spending too much of their time lazing on the golf-course.
 
“Meeting par isn’t enough,
you knew post-Brexit life’d be tough,”
quoth Liam Fox,
which was unorthodox,
“get up and move our bloody stuff!”

 Wednesday 7 September 2016 — On MP Keith Vaz tripping over one too many scandals.
 
Not 11 weeks after Brexit
all seemed normal, so Vaz flexed
his famous love muscle,
but his amorous tussle
with 2 rentboys caused his sexit.


 Tuesday 6 September 2016 — On the frenzied campaigh to portray Hillary Clinton as old, sick and incapable. C’mon guys, where’s your self respect? Whatever your political leanings, this is just too childish.
 
What retarded little twit
’d spurn a gal for a coughing fit?
Yet in regard to the post
that matters most
Trumps desp’rt cronies seize on it.

 Thursday 1 September 2016 — On the end of summer inexorably drawing near.
 
This’ll be a day to remember:
on August’s heels, the 1st of September.
Autumn is near,
in my BBQ here
silently dies the last glowing ember.

 
 Tuesday 16 August 2016 — On Donald Trump's proposing an ideological compatibility test for people wanting to enter the United States.
 
Your President I want to be,
lord of the Manor of the Free,
whose borders I'll close
firmly to those
who don't sufficiently think like me.

 Friday 12 August 2016 — On the extraordinately vicious smear-campaign that is being waged against Hillary Clinton. I mean: come on people, this has nothing anymore to do with anything!
 
She’s the devil and a hag,
she’s dirty and her titties sag,
she’s ill and evil,
worse than a weevil –
and she’s the one Trump couldn’t shag.

 Tuesday 2 August 2016 — On the utter failure of the Brazilian organizers at providing for even remotely acceptable conditions in the Bay of Rio de Janeiro.
 
Because Brazilians still spill
their filth and feces where they will
olympians must
bite back their disgust
and swim, row and sail in swill.

 Monday 25 July 2016 — On the French tightening their border controls, giving Great Britain at least some idea of what leaving the EU and “taking back control” are actually going to entail.
 
Out of EU and into the clover,
migration problems would be over.
But overnight,
with borders air-tight
the whole nation bogs down at Dover.

 Friday 22 July 2016 — On Funai Electric, the last manufacturer of VCRs, packing it in.
 
Once proudky owned by rich jeunesse,
a VCR is now a ton or less:
its tapes would fail,
its lure went stale,
the belL has tolled for VHS.

 Friday 22 July 2016 — On Funai Electric, the last manufacturer of VCRs, packing it in.
 
Once proudky owned by rich jeunesse,
a VCR is now a ton or less:
its tapes would fail,
its lure went stale,
the belL has tolled for VHS.

 Wednesday 20 July 2016 — On Melania Trump (and Trump’s speech-writers) stealing the words of Michelle Obama, and the hupocrisy of the Republican convention condoning her behaviour.
 
The capitalist GOP
hallows private property.
But when Trump’s wife steals,
the Convention feels
there’s nothing wrong with plagiary.

 Thursday 14 July 2016 — On Boris Johnson being appointed foreign secretary after his bizarre behaviour with regard to the Brexit-referendum.
 
If Cameron once put his dong
somewhere it did not belong,
Boris will now surely put
his foot in it real good,
as diplomatical King-Kong.

 Thursday 14 July 2016 — On Donald Trump selecting Indiana governor Mike Pence as his running mate.
 
A obscurantist Pence would seem,
a northern redneck with a dream
of simpler days
without Darwin or gays,
so he’s essential to Trump’s team!

 Monday 11 July 2016 — On Andrea Leadsom trying to get one over on het rival Theresa May -- and failing.
 
The candidacy of Andrea Leadsom
ushering in a new age of femdom
was sadly aborted
the minute she snorted
about being better for being a mom.


 Thursday 7 July 2016 — On the outcome of the British investigation into the role of it’s political elite in the events leading up to and during the invasion of Iraq in .
 
Will Chilcot do any good?
I doubt it, though no doubt it should:
Those who did hoodwink
the nation still think
they’re exceptionally shrewd.

 Monday 4 July 2016 — On the poor country whose deceitful leaders desert it the face of the chaos they created.
 
Dingdong, the witch ’s been dead
for quite a while, the rats have fled
your sinking raft.
O, Britain daft,
you’ve made yourself a sorry bed.

 Thursday 30 June 2016 — To Boris Johnson giving up on running for tory-leader after his Pyrrhic triumph at the Brexit-referendum.
 
Boris was a naughty boy,
who went and broke a precious toy
and then, hardly cricket,
dodged that sticky wicket
and deserted the hoi polloi.

 Wednesday 29 June 2016 — On the Dawning of the consequences of waging a frivolous, deceitful campaign against the British EU-membership.
 
Nigel, Mike & Boris could
once again raise Birnam Wood.
Double, double, toil & trouble
what remains is only rubble,
Dunsinane is now kaput.

 
 Tuesday 28 June 2016 — On the Supreme Court declaring Texan law designed to frustrate people's right to hav an abortion unconstitutional.
 
According to the Supreme Court
even Texas should afford
people to exercise
their abortion rights,
whatever the stance of the Lord.

 Friday 24 June 2016 — On Great Britain leaving the European Union.
 
Hoorah, the Brits retook control
of their own wet grassy knoll
where Farage thunders
and Boris blunders
and all the rest must pay the toll.

 
 Thursday 23 June 2016 — On the EU referendum.
 
Today my 93yr Mum
cried: “get me to the polls, you bum!
I must vote to leave
so that I’ll retrieve
the good old life in my pre-war slum."

 
 Tuesday 21 June 2016
 
I’d like to raise, if I may,
a toast with café au lait
in a cup like this
since today is
#WorldGiraffeDay. Hooray!

 
 Thursday 16 June 2016 — On Nigel Farages confession that he does not know or care what will happen in Britain leaves the EU, as long as he wins on 23 June.
 
With that silly, mindless grin
Farage professed to go all-in.
Little does he care
how ‘freed’ Britons may fare,
all he wants to do is win.

 Monday 13 June 2016 — On the remarkable outfit queen Elizabeth II wore on the occasion of the official celebration of her ninetieth birthday.
 
It’s not easy being green,
said old Kermit full of spleen.
He was heard to holler
at trooping the colour
Yea! I'm less green than the queen!

 Friday 10 June 2016 — On Tesco selling Giraffe to “Chicken King” Ranjit Singh Boparan, owner of Northern Foods and Harry Ramsden's fish ’n chips shops.
 
Giraffe sold to the Chicken King!
So after the buffalo wing
the next big snack
will be giraffe’s neck.
Those Brits, they will eat anything.

 Tuesday 7 June 2016 — On single mom Sheryl Prudham, living on benefits, who has 12 children already and now wants to be inseminated to acquire nr. 13
 
She’s not a mom or aunt
who finds 12 brats insufficient.
For kids she doesn’t care,
they’re but fruits to bear.
Prudham’s a production plant.

 Thursday 2 June 2016 — On the boy who ruined a so-called “£15,000 LEGO sculpture”. Good for him!
 
LEGO used to mean to a boy
bricks to build and then to destroy.
The world is hard,
LEGO’s hijacked by art,
business now, no longer a toy.

 Monday 30 May 2016 — On "HowToMakeAManGay" becoming trending topic in New York
 
America’s trending topic today
is #HowToMakeAManGay,
proof that civilization
is wasted on the nation.
It’s enough to turn a gay man gray.

 Tuesday 24 May 2016 — On the traffic chaos that ensued when there was a fule spill in London’s Blackwall Tunnel
 
The thing is called the Blackwall tunnel
cause it’s a stinking sooty funnel.
Today it closed,
it must be hosed
for lack of a proper runnel.

 Thursday 19 May 2016 — On the “Cat Ripper” who already killed and maimed dozens of London cats.
 
London becomes ever hipper,
it now has a Feline-Ripper
who on jihadi John’s trail
cuts off head and tail
of cats he first baits with kipper.

 Wednesday 18 May 2016 — On Boris Johnson’s hysterical likening of European Union policies to those of Adolf Hitler.
 
That preposterous brat Boris,
oofey kid of Eton mores,
plays at “Finest Hour”
with the EU as evil power,
is what Winston´s corpse abhorres.

 Friday 13 May 2016 — On the uncertain race towards the referendum on Britain's continued membership of the european Union.
 
Farage, fulminating à outrance,
leads Britain in a deadly dance,
a tango called BREXIT
straight through the exit
into lonesome irrelevance.

 Wednesday 4 May 2016 — On Ted Cruz suspending his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.
 
Hark the Bible Thumper´s Blues:
regardless of his extreme views
angry white men dumped
old Ted; Donald trumped
the trigger-happy rev. Cruz.

 Tuesday 3 May 2016 — On Leicester City winning the Premier League Championship.
 
Let me sing you a ditty
of proud Leicester City,
which hides kings in its streets
and no soccer team beats.
Now ain’t that city pretty?

 Thursday 28 April 2016 — On the new junior doctor’s contract: a little more money for far longer hours.
 
NHS embodies the idea
that your health ought to be free.
Now Hunt tries his best
to deny docs their rest
and privatize the lot, you’ll see!

 Monday 25 April 2016 — On National Stationery Week.
 
It’s National Stationery Week!
Let every British geek
celebrate the stencil,
the freshly sharpened pencil
and Moleskines, velvety and sleek.

 Friday 22 April 2016 — On Earth Day.
 
Friday always follows Thursday
and each of ’m is someone’s birthday.
But odd as it sounds
on murky grounds
today is advertised as Earth Day.

 Thursday 21 April 2016 — On the ninetieth birthday of Queen Elisabeth II.
 
Never become vegetarian,
stay staunchly establishmentarian;
don’t drink coffee but tea
and you will live to be
a sovereign nonagenarian.

 Thursday 7 April 2016 — On the negative outcome of the advisory referendum in the Netherlands on the Association Treaty between the European Union and Ukraine.
 
1 in 7 Dutch said “no” to Ukraine.
Not a lot, but all the same
their niggardly spite
did win last night,
we others bow our heads in shame.

 
 Thursday 31 March 2016 — On Ronnie Corbett passing away at 85.
 
Bloody hell, what misery!
Ronnie Corbett finally
kicked the bucket,
damn all, fuck it,
what good is “Language, Timothy!”?

 Thursday 17 March 2016 — On the GOP’s intention to thwart any attempt of Obama to achieve anything at all.
 
Don’t, GOP, if you please,
block all ’Bama’s court nominees.
All your anger and spite
breed political blight,
a sick auto-immune disease.

 
 Tuesday 15 March 2016 — On former Republican contender for the presidential nomination Ben Carson’s pledge of allegiance to Donald Trump, who earlier branded him as a “pathological liar”. The Ides of March (2011) was directed by George Clooney. The wily Senator Franklin Thomson was played by Jeffrey Wright
 
That the “liar” Ben Carson
would yet climb Trump’s bandwagon
was in the stars:
In “The Ides of March”
he was Sen. Franklin Thompson, hun!

 
 Friday 11 March 2016 — On allegations of plagiarism against Timothy Parker, renowned crossword-designer for, among other, USA Today.
 
Crossword-mogul Parker said:
“This Pwanson is raving mad!
I never stole from anyone
anything more salient than
‘the familiar quadruped(3)’”

 Tuesday 8 March 2016 — On the fact that so many courtrooms have been sold off that many judges have to do their job in backrooms of pubs and restaurants.
 
Britain's courtrooms, I am told,
have been sold off, now judges hold
judicial sway
in pub or café
where next to pints verdicts are sold.

 
 Wednesday 2 March 2016 — On Super Tuesday, won by both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump
 
So it’s the lout against the witch,
two narcissists, both filthy rich.
Clearly in the US
wisdom counts for less
than the ability to bitch.

 
 Wednesday 24 February 2016 — On the Flying Scotsman, too long for Twitter, but too good a subject to pass up.
 
Joy be in the hearts of men:
the Flying Scotsman rides again!
On board is kidney pie or pork,
but hurry or we’ll be in York,
where ends this trip to way-back-when.

 Monday 22 February 2016 — On Boris Johnson´s announcement that he will lead the campaign for Great Britain leaving the EU
 
A pillar of panache and bluff,
to lead Albion to the rough
is the Blond Man´s Burden,
being its PM his guerdon,
a jolly emperor in the buff.

 
 Thursday 18 February 2016 — On the House of Lords, which wanted to put an end to the tradition of archiving British law on vellum.
 
Laws went on vellum since before Boleyn,
but now the Lords wanted paper in.
Here’s a wise
compromise:
write them on peers’ parchment skin.

 
 Wednesday 17 February 2016 — On the photograph Jeb Bush published of his personalized gun “governor Jeb Bush”.
 
Jeb Bush showed us all his gun.
Was it his idea of fun?
Did he flaunt his metal dong
to assure us he is strong
or as a threat maybe, a pun?

 
 Friday 5 February 2016 — On everybody's announcement to ignore the conclusions of the UN-committee-report on Julian Assange.
 
Release Assange, says the UN:
London, stop abusing the man.
But Sweden says no,
don’t you dare let him go,
we’ll fuck him as long as we can.

 
 Wednesday 3 February 2016 — On the anonymous hackers of AnonSec
 
Who are the anonymous hackers,
claiming to be the attackers
who want NASA to hurt
on behalf of the earth?
Please tell me, dear factcheckers!

 Tuesday 2 February 2016 — On Donald Trump’s first lost primary: the state of Iowa.
 
And then Ted Cruz trumped Donald Trump.
Is Iowa the fatal hump
to make Trump trip
and his shares dip,
land him like Job on a rubbish dump?

 
 Wednesday 27 January 2016 — On the death of Marvin Minsky.
 
Marvin Minsky passed away,
who hoped to see the day
that silicon became more clever
than any human being ever
and henceforth AI’d hold sway.

 
 Thursday 21 January 2016 — On the report by Judge Sir Robert Owen pointing the finger at Russian president Putin as having at least condoned the killing of Aleksandr Litvinenko.
 
“Litvinenko, filthy spy!”
foamed Vlad Putin, “you will fry!
I’ll give you, moocher,
a radiant future,
and laugh my head off while you die!”

 
 Wednesday 20 January 2016 — On Burnley, Lancashire.
 
A Burnley beggar said “bugger,
I wuz merely tryin’ to hug ’r,
which I only did
’cuz she ga’me a quid,
but then she yelled: Mugger, mugger!”

 
 Tuesday 19 January 2016 — On the worldwide Twitter-blackout.
 
And then cyberspace was still.
No tweet to read, no hateful swill
could cyberseeth
from venomed teeth
of tweeps so mad that they could kill.

 
 Friday 15 January 2016 — On the yearning of the English for a anthem of their own.
 
Why save a queen? the English said,
we want a proper hymn instead!
It’d be far more apt
if Albion rapped
raindrops keep falling on my head.

 
 Monday 11 January 2016 — On David Bowie passing away.
 
His circuit dead died Major Tom,
worst controlfreak of stardom:
birthday just gone,
new album done,
he’ll star up there till kingdom come.

 
 Wednesday 16 December 2015 — On the ephemeral nazi train laden with treasure supposedly hidden underground somewhere in Poland.
 
A buried nazi-train they told,
held 300 tons of gold.
Many Poles went out to dig
and find it, get rich quick.
But alas all was fools’ gold.

 
 Tuesday 8 December 2015 — On Donald Trump’s proposal to close the American borders to all muslims.
 
No muslim will be welcome
in Sultan Donald’s kingdom,
no unchristian slacker
allowed into his Mekka
of blonde myopic boordom.

 
 Thursday 3 December 2015 — On yet another killing spree in the USA, this time in California.
 
One gunman’s killing spree a day
is normal for the USA,
a death toll perhaps higher than
that in ol’ Afghanistan.
Go on, support the NRA!

 
 Tuesday 24 November 2015 — On the border incident in which the Turks downed a Russian warplane.
 
Pondered Russian president Putin:
shouldn’t my army start shootin’
at backstabbing jerks
like Erdo?an’s Turks
and my Cossacks begin lootin’?

 
 Friday 20 November 2015 — On Richard Waldron's letter to the editor, published in the Daily Telegraph on 16 November 2015.
 
Whither went our Cheshire blue?
At Selfridge’s it is taboo
because it turns gray
in nary a day,
so the cat’s grin got the precious goo.

 
 Wednesday 11 November 2015 — On David Cameron’s negociating Britain’s terms for staying in the European Union.
 
Careful, or there’ll be hell to pay,
my sceptics will only stay,
and not leave the EU,
says Cameron, if you
always give us Brits our way.

 
 Thursday 29 October 2015 — On the life sentence former Royal Marines sergeant Alexander Blackman was handed for killing a wounded taliban operative in Helmand, Afghanistan.
 
Blackman shouldn't, according to Hoyle,
have shuffled off the mortal coil
of that Taliban,
a wounded man.
But does it merit lifelong toil?

 Monday 26 October 2015 — On Tony Blair’s half-hearted apologies for the the lies preparing the way for the unwarranted invasion of Iraq.
 
I’m so sorry for their fibs,
George and I, we were like sibs.
And we did oust Saddam,
improved on Vietnam.
I’m really sorry: read my lips.

 
 Wednesday 21 October 2015 — On Back to the Future.
 
Time-travel is mindboggling stuff:
just by waiting long enough
we caught up with McFly
as time went by,
to call Zemeckis’ eighties-bluff.

 
 Monday 19 October 2015 — On the first attempt in decades to create a new grammar school.
 
The ban on grammar schools
proves Albion a land of fools,
where Labour hates talent
and its own kids and
the privately schooled City rules.

 
 Friday 16 October 2015 — On the British septuagenarian in Saudi Arabia who was sentenced to be flogged for possessing some homemade drink in his own home.
 
An elderly Briton in Jiddah
is flogged cause the Saudi’s consider
his homemade liquor
to be a sin bigger
than those of old Jack the Ripper.

 
 Wednesday 14 October 2015 — On the growing prudishness on and off the internet, world wide.
 
Zuckerberg & Xi have won,
from Tibet to Oregon
Playboy’s pages will be cleansed,
naughty female bits delensed
and bare boobies frowned upon.

 
 Tuesday 13 October 2015 — On Ada Lovelace.
 
Today is Ada Lovelace-day,
Byrons girl, who passed away
at 36 but did invent
the idea of the instrument
we call computer, in a way.